GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.11.21 09:24z 293 Lines 9950 Bytes #1 (0) @ WW
BID : 23311_GB7YEW
Subj: jokes 28/11
Sent: 211128/0801Z 23311@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Great oaks from little acorns grow
My therapist set half a glass of water in front of me. He asked if I was an optomist or a pessimist. So, I drank the water and told him I was a problem solver.
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome
little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built
phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
-- Samuel Beckett
Things To Make You Ponder !
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q: What's the difference between a dog barking
on the front porch and a woman hollering on the
A: If you let them both inside,
the dog will stop barking.
The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
You'll love this..
I know you will...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
A Message from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of our PM, G Brown visiting the USA to sort out your finances and
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
For President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
Notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
Over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
Does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
Without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
Determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
The following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
Amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. And it will be a
Capital Offence to use the "g-word" - "gotten".
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
Without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
By the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
Vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
Such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
There is no such thing as US English.
We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker
Will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
Elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
Or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
That you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used
For shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone
Or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
Dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if
You wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
Driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you
Will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
Understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
Been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
(or more latterly freedom fries) are not real chips, and those things you
Insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are
Thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with salt
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
Beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
To as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
Greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that
All can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
Guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
Removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
Proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you who are brave enough
Will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
Seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't
Try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
Regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
An event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.18f you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Sexual content -
A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds
it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Dazza
sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
'Ken ya swaller?' asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
'Kin ya breathe?' asked Dazza.
The woman shook her head 'No!!! '
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her
knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her
mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Dazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but
that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough
Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars
has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night
and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom
where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch
long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap
of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider
and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they
walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead
and pulling my ears.'
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